A couple of days ago, I listened to a YouTube video by The Deep End. The host, Taylor Welch, and his co-host were discussing "The Cost of Being Chosen." A part of this conversation hit close to home for me: they talked about the Holy Spirit directly revealing traumas that need to be dealt with.
I've spent most of my life being afraid: afraid of mistakes and failures, but mostly afraid these things would hinder my efforts to prove my value to others. I wanted to show that God could use me, that I wasn't just average or basic. I wanted my dad to think I was smart enough. I wanted my husband at the time to see my worth and understand that my knowledge of the supernatural realm wasn't frivolous or dangerous. With everyone who came and went in my life, and even those still present, I tried to prove I could be the hero I saw myself as in my literal dreams. God had given me these dreams throughout my life, showing me how I could protect and rescue others through His authority and power.
When I prayed about this and the Holy Spirit revealed its meaning, it hit like a ton of bricks. I had known this partially but had never seen so clearly why it mattered more than I realized. Instead of letting God work through me, I became fixated on how others viewed me. I made their approval more important than my given purpose. Even writing became something I needed to prove.
Those closest to me haven't given me the benefit of the doubt. They often discourage my writing with familiar phrases: "You need to focus on reality," "You need to think about a stable and steady job," "Maybe later in life, but right now you don't have the luxury to spend time on this." These doubts left me tangled and confused, making decisions for the wrong reasons. I kept justifying what I thought was right, only to find myself spinning wheels with no breakthrough, convinced I wasn't good enough: that I didn't have what it took for any of my endeavors.
But who is it that my gifts are for? Who is it that your gifts, the ones God gave you for a purpose, are meant to bless? Like the disciples, it's who they ministered to when they were sent out two by two. It wasn't those who knew them when they were nothing more than fishermen. To them, these men and women, could only ever really be fishermen, tax collectors, zealots and sinners. Jesus said, a prophet in his own hometown is never recognized. Not that one has to be a prophet for this concept to be true. But that when God calls you to be something else, those around you, will often not be able to see what He sees when He chooses you. Just like David, Samuel understood that God sees what man does not. And even still, when God's choice is obvious, some will accuse you and doubt you like Joseph and even pursue you to destroy you such as these two. But no matter how much David and Joseph went through and how long they waited to be positioned, during that time they still changed lives and they still remained steadfast and obedient.
I understood then, I had to let go of that need for approval. The need for the validation of those closest to me. It hurt. It hurt so very much because it was them that I wanted to see me. It was them I wanted to share my successes and counsel with on my losses. But God said, lay that down and let it go. I can't give you what I have for you, if you won't let go of what you're clinging to. He said, I Am sufficient enough for you. And I knew it was true.
In a moment of this Holy Spirit revelation, I returned to what I've always done when my soul seeks understanding or release from pain: when I want to praise and express God's glory. I wrote. I used to write poems and lyrics, and my longtime dream has been to hear my words set to music. That dream came true when I discovered Suno AI. Beyond the AI aspect, the experience has been incredibly cathartic. The words for this song poured out in five minutes, barely conscious but deeply felt. This has been happening for years.
And another interesting intersection occurred, I found that my traumas and response to them actually mirrored one of the main characters in my story, The Project. This song could literally be Robbie's theme as well! I didn't realize how much of myself I was actually writing into it.
Here's my latest piece to share, and I'll post more soon. Let me know your thoughts!
To Prove
https://youtu.be/sIC902_OwQA?si=VB9AN7ihv1lpMsyG